This morning Monica took me downtown for a croissant at Pastry Chef and a trip to liquidation World, where I got a pink leopard-print Ramones tote bag and and a Rosemary Clooney CD and an Edith Piaf CD for only .50$!! I love a thrift store above all else but I also love a good discount store.
Now I'm home, and Monica is at work, so the dogs and I are inside listening to Edith and hoping the rain stops long enough for a walk later. I did have something I wanted to blog about, so this is a nice opportunity.
So, if you know me well, you know I deal with an anxiety disorder as well as other issues that are both part of how I was made and part a result of my experiences (ie. PTSD, body dysmorphia). However, I don't like labels, and I don't refer to myself as "mentally ill". It just doesn't feel right. However, if you asked my therapist, my perception of reality is altered (like my social fears, my phobias etc) and that is why I would be considered so. I tried arguing that I am simply post-modern and creating my own, individual reality, but apparently that doesn't apply. Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because of a recent call I got from my sister, Connie.
We don't speak often, however she is one of my closest family members. Since I reconnected with my family about 8 years ago (after over ten years of estrangement/foster care) I have had some really good talks and good times with Connie. Connie also has a five year old daughter, Daisy. Though I don't look a whole lot like Connie, Daisy looks just like me.
Not only does Daisy look like me, she is also a lot like me at that age. She is really sensitive, is not comfortable in social situations (like preschool etc), she prefers to play alone and she has a LOT of energy. She is also stubborn, willful, argumentative and really really smart.
My sister called me, the other night, to ask me what my most recent diagnosis is. It turns out, she has reached her limit with Daisy's behavior, and is taking her to see a doctor. Now, I have a problem in this because one of the most difficult things in my life today is overcoming the narrative of my childhood: that I was bad, something was wrong with me and I was worthless. It's easy to believe things are my fault, because I still believe there is something inherently wrong with who I am. While I understand my sister's frustration and desire to do right by Daisy, I can't bear the thought of her growing up and feeling the same way. When I watch my sister with Daisy, not only do I get an idea of the kind of kid I was, but I also feel so happy because my sister is giving Daisy everything I didn't get. Not just monetarily, but in terms of relationships with her parents and safety and security and all that. I always think how exciting it will be to see what kind of person she will grow into.
In addition, most of my struggles today and in adolescence were trauma-related, and Daisy has none of those experiences. I felt that I didn't have much to offer my sister, except to say that more boundaries might be a good thing for Daisy (her method of discipline is warnings of Santa not coming) but I understand her difficulty with that. Connie is so afraid to hurt Daisy with the "discipline" she grew up with, she has a hard time. I also told her that I think she does an amazing job with her and that while it won't be perfect, it will be ok. I could not help but caution her against pathologizing what is probably just a combination of smarts, willfulness and over-indulged behavior. I told her boundaries make me feel safe, even as an adult, and knowing boundaries will help both her and Daisy a lot five years from now when they enter the pre-teens and adolescence.
However, I'm not a parent. I'm not even all together myself, and to be honest, as many labels as they have for whatever it is I do and however it is that I feel, the only label I feel comfortable wearing is KT.
..........maybe also "huge queer", "cupcake eater" and "bibliophile".
1 comment:
Um... so Daisy is five?! It's weird that when you don't see people, you expect them to remain the same (same age, etc) as the last time you saw them. I think of Daisy as she was approximately five years ago. lol.
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