Thursday, September 1, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
You've been on my mind, I grow fonder every day....
As soon as the sun finally came out and summer arrived at last in the North, August ended and Fall is here already. This Summer was not my most fun or enjoyable, but it was productive.
After a few things led to a few other things, especially last semester, I decided that maybe I could be doing better. I have a lot of things that I struggle with, mostly a result of a life left far behind me. I guess that I had done my best to outrun them, but as it happens, they are not as far behind me as I thought. I always figure that if I can hold a job, get good grades and clothe, wash and feed myself, how bad can things be? However, there is more to wellness than I thought, so I have started trauma therapy. I have been seeing my therapist all summer, but because she specializes in trauma she is aware that I have a limited store of trust, we are still just getting to know each other. She is also aware of my experiences with the system and Big Medicine that have made me reluctant to share any kind of struggle or vulnerability with professionals. It is a lot better than I thought it would be, I feel respected and empowered by the fact that this time I am an adult who is (mostly) in control of her life and not a vagrant ward with no rights or choices. Monica has been more support than I could ever have asked for, so I bought her a mouse!
We named him Hunka Munka, after the mouse in Beatrix Potter's "The Tale of Two Bad Mice", one of my favorites. In case you were wondering, that brings the pet total up to three dogs, one guinea pig, one mouse and two fish.
It's a dyke thing.
We did get to have some good adventures in the nice weather; trips to the lake, backyard hangouts and good long walks/hikes. Plus, Monica has started roller derby!!!
Right now she is attending the Fresh Meat training sessions and she absolutely loves it. I am totally pumped and can't wait to go to her games one day! I'm going to get a T-Shirt that says "derby widow". She has yet to pick a name, but I am suggesting the nickname my sister gave her - "Demonica".
School is right around the corner, and I am only taking two courses this semester: Biology and Statistics.
Yay.
I left my breadth requirements until last, of course. I'm anxious about them, but everything else that has been going on has been sort of distracting, and has also given me some much-needed perspective. I can't promise that once classes start I won't be my usual A-type self but at least I am working on it.
This is Monica's (and most of North America's) Summer jam....
Thursday, August 4, 2011
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun....
Yesterday was the first day of my second batch of days I took off this summer. There were a few ideas thrown around about camping etc, because Monica had taken the same days off. In the end, we spent yesterday at Berman Lake enjoying the first sun we've seen all Summer, and Monica left today with her Mom to visit her sister in Kamloops for three nights and I am staying here to take care of everybody and do some serious reading and relaxing. I'm going to a movie with Gillert on Friday and dinner with Louise on Saturday so I'll have lots of company. Monica will be back in time for our last three days off and of course, my birthday. I'm not having a party or anything, it will just be us cause that's how I roll..
Last week I made these awesome oatmeal cookies from Everybody Like Sandwiches
I also worked on my fundraising project for this year's AIDS Walk....
Last week I made these awesome oatmeal cookies from Everybody Like Sandwiches
I also worked on my fundraising project for this year's AIDS Walk....
I used the coffee traveler boxes from work to make penny-drive containers to put on the counter of each Starbucks in town.......
They hit the counters on the 1st, and will be there until September 15th. The walk is on the 17th so I will need the time to count it all. That also made it exactly six weeks to raise money. I got asked to MC again, and I'm super-pumped!
I can not stop playing this crazyass song on repeat....
Thursday, July 28, 2011
In twenty minutes, everyone will remember you when you're gone...
Chris is a friend who works with Monica at the hospital; her husband is away at camp so we brought dinner over and kept her company for the evening at their awesome house in Shelly.
I decided on tapas-style dinner, and while I bought the hummus, I did make the tzatziki and felafel myself. I baked them in mini-muffin tins because a. it's healthier and b. I'm scared of frying things in oil on the stove top.
Chris also recently got a new puppy, and wanted us to bring a dog over to play with her and help socialize her. For this, there is no better dog than Bello.
Bello is Monica's seven year old Blue Heeler cross. They met when he was tiny, and she found him wandering her neighborhood. Monica and Bello are joined at the soul and share the same loving nature and gentleness. Bello is well trained, has traveled to Italy and makes friends everywhere he goes. He does not like human men and he has a girlfriend, Lily, our friend Lynelle's Blue-Nosed Pitbull. He likes digging for mice and loves water. He is also fantastic with puppies.
The puppy, Keesha, is a Malamute cross and the sweetest, fuzziest thing I have ever seen. She has a lovely personality and a soft, wooly-lamb coat. She adored Bello and spent hours following him around.
We spent the first part of the visit exploring their huge yard and having a strawberry snack in the garden....
This one was my favorite.
Chris built a dog-crow, because so many local farm dogs go for forays in the area and would wander into the yard. It was a genius idea, because as soon as Bello saw it he started barking and Monica had to "introduce" him to it and convince him it wasn't real!
Living rurally is one of the things I would love to do one day, and Chris' house makes me convinced I would love it!
We ate dinner outside by a big bonfire, and chatted til the bugs came out. It was a fun, relaxing evening and an awesome chance for a doggy play-date.
Gin Wigmore is the coolest thing that has happened to me this summer so far....
Chris also recently got a new puppy, and wanted us to bring a dog over to play with her and help socialize her. For this, there is no better dog than Bello.
Bello is Monica's seven year old Blue Heeler cross. They met when he was tiny, and she found him wandering her neighborhood. Monica and Bello are joined at the soul and share the same loving nature and gentleness. Bello is well trained, has traveled to Italy and makes friends everywhere he goes. He does not like human men and he has a girlfriend, Lily, our friend Lynelle's Blue-Nosed Pitbull. He likes digging for mice and loves water. He is also fantastic with puppies.
The puppy, Keesha, is a Malamute cross and the sweetest, fuzziest thing I have ever seen. She has a lovely personality and a soft, wooly-lamb coat. She adored Bello and spent hours following him around.
We spent the first part of the visit exploring their huge yard and having a strawberry snack in the garden....
Chris built a dog-crow, because so many local farm dogs go for forays in the area and would wander into the yard. It was a genius idea, because as soon as Bello saw it he started barking and Monica had to "introduce" him to it and convince him it wasn't real!
We ate dinner outside by a big bonfire, and chatted til the bugs came out. It was a fun, relaxing evening and an awesome chance for a doggy play-date.
Gin Wigmore is the coolest thing that has happened to me this summer so far....
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress.....
I didn't tell this story before because the shame was too much, but I decided to come out about it.
Wednesday night we went to the Boy's house for Les' surprise 50th birthday. Thier landlord and friend who lives in the basement suite, Ashley, has a little dog as well and we are always bringing one dog or another over. The boys love them and it's a great chance to socialize them. That night we brought both Gertie and Herman. Usually, we spend an evening over there outside, but the weather was miserable.
Les was delighted with his party, and we were all in the kitchen and the dogs were loose in the house with us. We shut some doors so they couldn't go anywhere but in the process Herman got shut into the weight room, where Les' birthday cake was.......
It wasn't a cake truthfully; it was a tray of donuts and petit fours from the Pastry Chef, and Herman ate about six items. We found him bloated in the bedroom with his nose deep in a long john. It was embarrassing, doing the walk of shame out to the car with our cake-smeared, distended dachshund. We apologized and the boys were lovely as they always are and everybody ate the rest of the cakes anyway.
Herman is fine, and this is not his first "jackpot gorge". We took him to my granbpa's house on the island, and my grandpa let both little dogs into his house to meet his dogs before Monica and I were out of the van. By the time we got to the front door Herman had done a sweep of the house and found every tasty treat my Grandpa's spoiled dogs had hidden, forgotten or left behind. Gertie got to sleep with us that night because I was dead certain he was going to puke and I didn't think it was fair she should have to sleep in a kennel with somebody else's' puke. He didn't though, and he was ready for breakfast the next day.
He also eats poop, grass, twigs, tree buds, toilet paper and has to have his dinner slowly dispersed to him otherwise he gobbles it without breathing. Having always had rescues, it never surprises me when they behave oddly. A lady at the SPCA table on Canada day said it might be a response to having been starved previously. I call him a foodie; I think he just loves to eat.
Speaking of foodies, check out this rad blog . Monica I have been giggling over them the week since we found them, they are based in Toronto and it's THE funniest, hippest food blog ever.
Wednesday night we went to the Boy's house for Les' surprise 50th birthday. Thier landlord and friend who lives in the basement suite, Ashley, has a little dog as well and we are always bringing one dog or another over. The boys love them and it's a great chance to socialize them. That night we brought both Gertie and Herman. Usually, we spend an evening over there outside, but the weather was miserable.
Les was delighted with his party, and we were all in the kitchen and the dogs were loose in the house with us. We shut some doors so they couldn't go anywhere but in the process Herman got shut into the weight room, where Les' birthday cake was.......
It wasn't a cake truthfully; it was a tray of donuts and petit fours from the Pastry Chef, and Herman ate about six items. We found him bloated in the bedroom with his nose deep in a long john. It was embarrassing, doing the walk of shame out to the car with our cake-smeared, distended dachshund. We apologized and the boys were lovely as they always are and everybody ate the rest of the cakes anyway.
Herman is fine, and this is not his first "jackpot gorge". We took him to my granbpa's house on the island, and my grandpa let both little dogs into his house to meet his dogs before Monica and I were out of the van. By the time we got to the front door Herman had done a sweep of the house and found every tasty treat my Grandpa's spoiled dogs had hidden, forgotten or left behind. Gertie got to sleep with us that night because I was dead certain he was going to puke and I didn't think it was fair she should have to sleep in a kennel with somebody else's' puke. He didn't though, and he was ready for breakfast the next day.
He also eats poop, grass, twigs, tree buds, toilet paper and has to have his dinner slowly dispersed to him otherwise he gobbles it without breathing. Having always had rescues, it never surprises me when they behave oddly. A lady at the SPCA table on Canada day said it might be a response to having been starved previously. I call him a foodie; I think he just loves to eat.
Speaking of foodies, check out this rad blog . Monica I have been giggling over them the week since we found them, they are based in Toronto and it's THE funniest, hippest food blog ever.
Friday, July 22, 2011
You think I'm crazy? I got your crazy..........
Today is my first day off of two, and the weather is SHIT.
This morning Monica took me downtown for a croissant at Pastry Chef and a trip to liquidation World, where I got a pink leopard-print Ramones tote bag and and a Rosemary Clooney CD and an Edith Piaf CD for only .50$!! I love a thrift store above all else but I also love a good discount store.
Now I'm home, and Monica is at work, so the dogs and I are inside listening to Edith and hoping the rain stops long enough for a walk later. I did have something I wanted to blog about, so this is a nice opportunity.
So, if you know me well, you know I deal with an anxiety disorder as well as other issues that are both part of how I was made and part a result of my experiences (ie. PTSD, body dysmorphia). However, I don't like labels, and I don't refer to myself as "mentally ill". It just doesn't feel right. However, if you asked my therapist, my perception of reality is altered (like my social fears, my phobias etc) and that is why I would be considered so. I tried arguing that I am simply post-modern and creating my own, individual reality, but apparently that doesn't apply. Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because of a recent call I got from my sister, Connie.
We don't speak often, however she is one of my closest family members. Since I reconnected with my family about 8 years ago (after over ten years of estrangement/foster care) I have had some really good talks and good times with Connie. Connie also has a five year old daughter, Daisy. Though I don't look a whole lot like Connie, Daisy looks just like me.
That's her on the left and myself on the right, in the pink dress.
Not only does Daisy look like me, she is also a lot like me at that age. She is really sensitive, is not comfortable in social situations (like preschool etc), she prefers to play alone and she has a LOT of energy. She is also stubborn, willful, argumentative and really really smart.
My sister called me, the other night, to ask me what my most recent diagnosis is. It turns out, she has reached her limit with Daisy's behavior, and is taking her to see a doctor. Now, I have a problem in this because one of the most difficult things in my life today is overcoming the narrative of my childhood: that I was bad, something was wrong with me and I was worthless. It's easy to believe things are my fault, because I still believe there is something inherently wrong with who I am. While I understand my sister's frustration and desire to do right by Daisy, I can't bear the thought of her growing up and feeling the same way. When I watch my sister with Daisy, not only do I get an idea of the kind of kid I was, but I also feel so happy because my sister is giving Daisy everything I didn't get. Not just monetarily, but in terms of relationships with her parents and safety and security and all that. I always think how exciting it will be to see what kind of person she will grow into.
In addition, most of my struggles today and in adolescence were trauma-related, and Daisy has none of those experiences. I felt that I didn't have much to offer my sister, except to say that more boundaries might be a good thing for Daisy (her method of discipline is warnings of Santa not coming) but I understand her difficulty with that. Connie is so afraid to hurt Daisy with the "discipline" she grew up with, she has a hard time. I also told her that I think she does an amazing job with her and that while it won't be perfect, it will be ok. I could not help but caution her against pathologizing what is probably just a combination of smarts, willfulness and over-indulged behavior. I told her boundaries make me feel safe, even as an adult, and knowing boundaries will help both her and Daisy a lot five years from now when they enter the pre-teens and adolescence.
However, I'm not a parent. I'm not even all together myself, and to be honest, as many labels as they have for whatever it is I do and however it is that I feel, the only label I feel comfortable wearing is KT.
..........maybe also "huge queer", "cupcake eater" and "bibliophile".
This morning Monica took me downtown for a croissant at Pastry Chef and a trip to liquidation World, where I got a pink leopard-print Ramones tote bag and and a Rosemary Clooney CD and an Edith Piaf CD for only .50$!! I love a thrift store above all else but I also love a good discount store.
Now I'm home, and Monica is at work, so the dogs and I are inside listening to Edith and hoping the rain stops long enough for a walk later. I did have something I wanted to blog about, so this is a nice opportunity.
So, if you know me well, you know I deal with an anxiety disorder as well as other issues that are both part of how I was made and part a result of my experiences (ie. PTSD, body dysmorphia). However, I don't like labels, and I don't refer to myself as "mentally ill". It just doesn't feel right. However, if you asked my therapist, my perception of reality is altered (like my social fears, my phobias etc) and that is why I would be considered so. I tried arguing that I am simply post-modern and creating my own, individual reality, but apparently that doesn't apply. Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because of a recent call I got from my sister, Connie.
We don't speak often, however she is one of my closest family members. Since I reconnected with my family about 8 years ago (after over ten years of estrangement/foster care) I have had some really good talks and good times with Connie. Connie also has a five year old daughter, Daisy. Though I don't look a whole lot like Connie, Daisy looks just like me.
Not only does Daisy look like me, she is also a lot like me at that age. She is really sensitive, is not comfortable in social situations (like preschool etc), she prefers to play alone and she has a LOT of energy. She is also stubborn, willful, argumentative and really really smart.
My sister called me, the other night, to ask me what my most recent diagnosis is. It turns out, she has reached her limit with Daisy's behavior, and is taking her to see a doctor. Now, I have a problem in this because one of the most difficult things in my life today is overcoming the narrative of my childhood: that I was bad, something was wrong with me and I was worthless. It's easy to believe things are my fault, because I still believe there is something inherently wrong with who I am. While I understand my sister's frustration and desire to do right by Daisy, I can't bear the thought of her growing up and feeling the same way. When I watch my sister with Daisy, not only do I get an idea of the kind of kid I was, but I also feel so happy because my sister is giving Daisy everything I didn't get. Not just monetarily, but in terms of relationships with her parents and safety and security and all that. I always think how exciting it will be to see what kind of person she will grow into.
In addition, most of my struggles today and in adolescence were trauma-related, and Daisy has none of those experiences. I felt that I didn't have much to offer my sister, except to say that more boundaries might be a good thing for Daisy (her method of discipline is warnings of Santa not coming) but I understand her difficulty with that. Connie is so afraid to hurt Daisy with the "discipline" she grew up with, she has a hard time. I also told her that I think she does an amazing job with her and that while it won't be perfect, it will be ok. I could not help but caution her against pathologizing what is probably just a combination of smarts, willfulness and over-indulged behavior. I told her boundaries make me feel safe, even as an adult, and knowing boundaries will help both her and Daisy a lot five years from now when they enter the pre-teens and adolescence.
However, I'm not a parent. I'm not even all together myself, and to be honest, as many labels as they have for whatever it is I do and however it is that I feel, the only label I feel comfortable wearing is KT.
..........maybe also "huge queer", "cupcake eater" and "bibliophile".
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
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